4 posts tagged “the husband”

I've decided that starting a home improvement project while your marriage is in disarray is not that bad of an idea. Really. Even if in the best of times you've learned you can't work together on such projects.

In the past my husband and I have found it best if he does the prep work. ALONE. Then I come in and do finish work. If I need him for some manly task (i.e. something I don't want to do), I leave him to it and return to oh and ah and finish what I was doing.

Works for us.

Last night however, we realized we had to rip out some nasty carpet. We've been wanting to for a while (since we moved in) but have put it off until the walls, ceilings, etc were finished as to not ruin what we suspected to be underneath - real wood floor. Well, last week we were on vacation and our upstairs toilet decided to leak while we were away. The result was a flooded foyer. Very wet carpet that has refused to dry in the damp, wet weather we've been having.

- beginning of serious tangent -

Say good bye you fugly carpet. Have I mentioned it was red? I suppose it was some 60's idea of cool to put white and black wallpaper that looks like nerves on the walls and have red carpet. The wallpaper came down a couple of years ago so now we have the look of crumbling plaster and red carpet. Really helps the plaster stand out on the floors.

The carpet still resides on the stairs and upstairs hallway. There is also a patch in front of the downstairs bathroom - much to my dismay.

- end of much too long tangent -

The ripping out went surprisingly well. The scrapping of carpet mat? Also went well. The pulling of staples? Fabulous. I am seriously amazed.

We still have more scrapping and pulling of staples and washing of boards. But I think it will be okay. I think it helped that we each did our own thing and stayed out of each other's way and helped when it was asked for. I'm not sure we've ever done those things quite so well before. Guess it says a lot about our marriage that we haven't been able to do that before. But it does give me hope. That and the fact that he went to see a therapist today. But that is another story.

It seems to me (but I'm sure, not to the husband) my husband is looking for an out. An out of this marriage that does not have the fault - or decision - resting on his shoulders. I'm not saying it's a conscious thing. In fact, I'm sure it's not. But (always a but!) the fact is, if you look at his reactions, feelings, issues, whatever you want to call it, of the past couple of months, it points to him wanting out. And him not wanting it to be his fault. And him not wanting to have to make the decision. He's not one for making big decisions. He's more of a let it happen to him kind of guy. That way it can never be his fault if it's the wrong decision. Which, for the most part, I've learned to accept.

Here's a time-line for those following along at home*:

Day 0: Have crush on someone other than wife.
Day 7: Wife discovers something is going on and confronts husband. Says she will not go to marriage counselor until he cuts off all contact with crush.
Day 7-14: Husband refuses cutting off of contact saying it's not necessary because he's done nothing wrong. Accuses wife of not willing to work on marriage.
Day 21-27: Visiting marriage counselor. Husband says marriage will never work because in past wife has said the same (but she always worked on it anyway). Wife admits to this and says she feels if they both want it to work and they both work at it - it will.
Day 28-44: Husband feels they are polar opposites and this will never work.
Day 42: Wife starts this blog in secret.
Day 44: Marriage counselor shows him they aren't polar opposites and it is good to have varying approaches.
Day 50: Husband accuses wife of treating him like a cheat and a liar and decides he will not be treated this way.
Day 50-53: Wife is plunged into emotional wreck because he is an ass.
Day 53: Husband realizes he's been acting like an ass and apologizes.
Day 53: Wife realizes this is just the latest in a string of excuses of why this marriage will never work. And it's always her fault. It is exhausting. She has decided to ignore future outbursts and let him deal with it on his own (yeah, right).

*All dates are approximate.

It seems to me, that men in general like to gloss over the details. They like to ignore the nuances. Maybe it's just the men in my life. Maybe it's most men. I don't know.

I do know that my husband sees no value in the details. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to relate what HE thinks is important and leave out anything else. I truly believe that is why it seems my intuition is so much better. I need all the details to form an opinion. I need to know the minutia to flesh out the meaning of things. I need to discern what I feel is important and I do not appreciate being told only half the story because he doesn't feel the rest is important or pertinent.

Now I'm not saying that everytime someone speaks there should be a relating of every little detail. My God, I know people who do this and it is not a little annoying. I am saying that when there is a disageement or you're trying to understand something, the details help. When I ASK for the details - TELL ME.

What it comes down to is this: I'm sensitive about a certain area of our life. The area where my husband met his "crush". That area came up recently and even though the particular woman was not involved, a couple others were. I asked whether or not the two women had spoken and he said no. Later he said they did. I asked why he lied to me. And now I'm being accussed of calling him a liar. His defense was that it wasn't important to the conversation and he did mention they spoke. I felt it was important or I wouldn't have asked the question. Regardless, I was breifly angry and then got over it. He is still harboring anger at me for - as he says - treating him like a liar and a cheat. Which hello! Totally was not. There is nothing I can say now to make him get over this and he keeps saying that because of all the good things he's done since "the incident" I should trust him again. He will not go through the rest of his life being treated like this. It's been about 2 months. And honestly, the only reason we're still discussing it is because he has been angry about it for 3 days. THREE DAYS. Because he can't let it go.

I may have overreacted a bit. I have said I was sorry. But he can't let it go. I told him today to go back to counseling. There is nothing more I can do.

It seems that every time I think things are going to be ok something throws me back down the hole again. I hate rollercoasters and this is the worst one I've ever been on.

I honestly feel like he's still looking for an excuse to end this marriage. I wish if that's his goal, he would just do it already.

Today was our last meeting with the marriage counselor. Yes, my husband and I have been going to a marriage counselor. The reason? Where to start? How about the catalyst? I guess that would be a better place to start.

My husband had a crush on someone. I realized something wasn't right about a week in. So yes, I caught it early. He didn't "cheat". It was an emotional affair. A really short one. That decimated me.

My God. I could write volumes on this subject and normally I wouldn't because really, who wants to read such self-involved crap? But, that would be why I started this blog. To write. To write stuff I wouldn't post on my regular blog that my husband and both my parents actually read. The one associated with my real name. Not really the kind of place you can let loose. And because of that I've pretty much stopped writing. The mundane is just not that amusing when your contemplating the end of your marriage.

I'm not sure why I waited until the crisis passed to start this. I'm not sure why I've decided to write about it now. But maybe, just maybe it's because I still have a bunch of feelings and no one wants to hear anymore about it. It's time to suck it up. Get over it already. And be thankful for what I have. And I keep thinking that maybe if I type it all out, I can let it all go. I'll be able to move past my issues once I vomit them onto the screen. It's worked in the past and I'm hoping it will work now.

So yes, the crisis has passed. But let's just say that I'm not 100% sure he won't change his mind and walk out the door one of these days. He says he's sure he won't. And I believe him. He believes he won't. I'm a better judge of people though. And I'm not all that sure he's not lying to himself. I'm trying to get to a place where I'm okay living with the fear. Accept it as a fact of life. Enjoy things now and take things as they come. But to understate the matter greatly, I'm not very good at this type of thing. I'm more of an all or nothing, right now kind of gal.