4 posts tagged “navel gazing”
I used to be a person who followed directions religiously. Seriously. To. The. Letter. Who knew what would happen if I veered off the straight and narrow. I might *gasp* do it wrong. And wrong was bad. Wrong was unacceptable.
But now, now I'm a rebel. Now I can't seem to follow directions without changing things up.
It started with recipes. I'd substitute this thing here or that thing there. Usually because I didn't have exactly what I needed or couldn't find it at the store. Then I started knitting and apparently I bore easily. So I'd make the handle on a purse different or make a different brim or add the beginning of a thumb to my fingerless gloves.
And now? Now I can't stop. Now I can't follow any direction without changing things mid cook or mid knit. It's a sickness. I start out trying to stick with the pattern or recipe and then all of a sudden I throw caution to the wind and change it up. Usually it turns out okay. Sometimes it works out wonderfully. Sometimes not so much.
Somehow it's like I let my inner rebel out and now she won't go back.
Yes it's true. Both of them are true actually. And I suppose I'm happy about them both. I mean I am. I am happy about them both. Moving on...
I have not blogged in a long time. A very long time. I have abandoned my other blog. The one with my name attached to it. As much as I've wanted to start blogging again, I just haven't. There is a huge list of reasons ranging from lack of time now that I'm working full time (did I not mention this? I'm sure it will be a future topic here assuming I keep blogging) to not wanting to blog on that other blog because one thing a job search will make you realize is that anyone looking to hire someone will probably do a google search and do I really want prospective employers reading about my shortcomings? Then there are other things like the fact my parents read my blog and occasionally my husband and I really don't feel like I want their input on what I want to write. So why haven't I blogged here? Well, this blog seems a bit like a dirty little secret. The shameful black sheep cousin of my life. And as much as I'm all about the black sheeps in families, this one has me pausing. It seems untruthful somehow because it is anonymous and I've always been about letting it all hang out and not being ashamed of the things I do. I mean really, if you don't want people to know you're doing it, maybe you shouldn't be. But, because in the end there is always a but, here I am.
I suppose I shall leave this post at the fact: I am here.
Anita brought up a good point in the comments of my last post:
I've come to the conclusion she is right. So very, very right. For the last couple of years I have been looking for that newness. I haven't looked for it in a male (Good God, I certainly don't need another male in my life!) But I have been looking at my career path - or lack there of -, my creative life, my home and just about every other area of my life. The difference is, the newness I look for starts within.
"I think this age (middle) is a tricky one. We can see that we haven't accomplished everything we want, and we can see that we won't, and we are glimpsing our own mortality. We yearn to feel. I think that makes it a time rife for seeking newness. We all need to be careful of the form in which that newness manifests itself."
I have realized, I'm not happy with how I'VE turned out. I'm certainly less than I expected to be. And there it is. Another cliche. I'm not at all the person I thought I'd be. I thought I was special and different and could do anything I put my mind to. That was how I was raised. I've learned that is not the case. I am the same. I am like many people. And even when I put my mind to something and try and try to succeed at it, it doesn't happen. Not to say that some things will never happen, but really... I'm very mediocre.
There are so many better artists. So many better writers. So many better "fill-in the blank" here. I believe there is room for many people to succeed in every field. Room for everyone. I don't think that if someone else succeeds it means I can't. What I have realized over the last 8 years or so is that even though I could succeed, I won't. Because I'm just not talented enough.
I keep thinking that if I keep working at it - it will happen. But honestly, I don't love anything quite that much. I worked at writing for a solid 6 years. And then? I'd had enough. My attention span is just not that long when there is no recognition EVER.
But now I've run out of time for this post so I shall continue at a later date. Or not.
I suddenly realized at the age of 36 that my life is just a collection of cliches. Sad, but true. Prepare to hear what you've heard all before.
