Posts (page 2)

I have realized I am not one of those people who move through life gracefully.

In the physical sense, I am clumsy. I bang into things, I trip, I slip, slide and fall. A lot. So, NOT graceful.

In the way I comport myself, I am far from graceful. I get angry, I yell, I do not hide my tiredness or illness from my family or friends or even acquaintances. I am cranky and in your face. Again, so NOT graceful.

This is not to say I don't strive to lead a life of grace. I'm just not very good at it. I worry because if I became really ill, not sinus infection or cold type ill but SERIOUSLY ill, I would not be one of those woman you hear that handled it with grace. You know the ones. "She kept her kids lives the same. She didn't want them to suffer because of her illness. She didn't hide it but made it okay." No, that is not me. I want it to be me. I don't want to scar my children if I become ill. But I'm afraid I would.

Do you like how I discuss this like it is some possibility far off in the future that might never happen? Are you saying to yourself, right this very minute, why worry about something that may never happen? Well, you are right. It might not. Or it may. I've been feeling very much less than okay for about two months now. I have a follow up appointment today to try to figure out what the hell is wrong. I have put off googling what has been in the back of my head for so long because really, why would I pick that illness out of the millions out there? But someone called me on it. Asked if I had looked it up on the internet. It broke my subconscious  resolve.  NEVER GOOGLE MAJOR ILLNESSES YOU THINK YOU MAY HAVE in hopes it will prove you wrong.  It rarely does. And in this case, only confirmed what I feared.

Now the select people I've discussed this fearful finding with have of course told me it is all nonsense. I am wrong. It will be nothing. What else could they say really? And yes, I hope they are right. I hope to get on this blog tomorrow or Monday and say "I WAS SO VERY WRONG." That would be lovely. But sometimes your gut knows things and I'm really afraid this is one of those times. And if not, I will totally eat crow and enjoy it.

So yes, I'm now working full time. Outside of my home. For a paycheck. For the first time in over 13 years.

In many ways it is much easier than anything else I have done in the last 13 years. So much pressure is off because, hello, I have to work. The thing I'm having the hardest time with, two things actually, but not because they are related, and I'm just going to keep sticking in phrases in-between commas until this is the longest sentence ever, so it all boils down to... you guessed it, time.

There are a few things here and there that I WANT to do. Like take the kids to the doctors and parent-teacher conferences and stay home with them when they are sick occasionally and do things for other people that I just can't seem to find time to do now. In which I mean I can't do these things in a timely manner.

This bothers me greatly.

On the other hand, one thing I have learned in the past year is that I MUST work full time. I need to feel like I'm contributing to my household in a financial way. I need to not feel that I'm stuck in this marriage because I can't support myself or the cost of a divorce. Not to say that's what I want, or that I make enough to realistically do either of those things, but I need to feel like I could if I had to.

Another aspect of this job is that I don't enjoy it nearly as much as my last one. It's okay. The people are fine. Mostly. It is not challenging enough. And I was brought in to make change and that avenue is not currently open to me. Not to say that it won't be. And not to say I don't have a few things to learn first. I mean this time is probably the best thing for the situation. BUT, the inevitable but, I am not a patient woman.

So, in closing, all this to say, I'm working full time.

Yes it's true. Both of them are true actually. And I suppose I'm happy about them both. I mean I am. I am happy about them both. Moving on...

I have not blogged in a long time. A very long time. I have abandoned my other blog. The one with my name attached to it. As much as I've wanted to start blogging again, I just haven't. There is a huge list of reasons ranging from lack of time now that I'm working full time (did I not mention this? I'm sure it will be a future topic here assuming I keep blogging) to not wanting to blog on that other blog because one thing a job search will make you realize is that anyone looking to hire someone will probably do a google search and do I really want prospective employers reading about my shortcomings? Then there are other things like the fact my parents read my blog and occasionally my husband and I really don't feel like I want their input on what I want to write. So why haven't I blogged here? Well, this blog seems a bit like a dirty little secret. The shameful black sheep cousin of my life. And as much as I'm all about the black sheeps in families, this one has me pausing. It seems untruthful somehow because it is anonymous and I've always been about letting it all hang out and not being ashamed of the things I do. I mean really, if you don't want people to know you're doing it, maybe you shouldn't be. But, because in the end there is always a but, here I am.

I suppose I shall leave this post at the fact: I am here.

I've decided that starting a home improvement project while your marriage is in disarray is not that bad of an idea. Really. Even if in the best of times you've learned you can't work together on such projects.

In the past my husband and I have found it best if he does the prep work. ALONE. Then I come in and do finish work. If I need him for some manly task (i.e. something I don't want to do), I leave him to it and return to oh and ah and finish what I was doing.

Works for us.

Last night however, we realized we had to rip out some nasty carpet. We've been wanting to for a while (since we moved in) but have put it off until the walls, ceilings, etc were finished as to not ruin what we suspected to be underneath - real wood floor. Well, last week we were on vacation and our upstairs toilet decided to leak while we were away. The result was a flooded foyer. Very wet carpet that has refused to dry in the damp, wet weather we've been having.

- beginning of serious tangent -

Say good bye you fugly carpet. Have I mentioned it was red? I suppose it was some 60's idea of cool to put white and black wallpaper that looks like nerves on the walls and have red carpet. The wallpaper came down a couple of years ago so now we have the look of crumbling plaster and red carpet. Really helps the plaster stand out on the floors.

The carpet still resides on the stairs and upstairs hallway. There is also a patch in front of the downstairs bathroom - much to my dismay.

- end of much too long tangent -

The ripping out went surprisingly well. The scrapping of carpet mat? Also went well. The pulling of staples? Fabulous. I am seriously amazed.

We still have more scrapping and pulling of staples and washing of boards. But I think it will be okay. I think it helped that we each did our own thing and stayed out of each other's way and helped when it was asked for. I'm not sure we've ever done those things quite so well before. Guess it says a lot about our marriage that we haven't been able to do that before. But it does give me hope. That and the fact that he went to see a therapist today. But that is another story.

I suppose it's been a while since I've hung out here. The business of summer was demanding and things were going well so there wasn't much angst to get out. That and I really didn't want this to be one long whine of a blog. On the other hand, that's exactly why I started this blog. I want to keep real life whining to a minimum and thought this would help.

Now as we begin to gear back up for school my husband has been angry. Really angry at me and even he's not sure why. Every time I speak, or look at him he becomes enraged. And last night he got a text message at 12:30am from that woman I've mentioned here before. Actually, I heard the phone vibrate and he was sleeping so I checked to see what his youngest sister wanted since she is the only one I could imagine would text him that late.

Imagine my surprise when I realized it wasn't her. Imagine my surprise when I found out they'd been in touch for the last several? couple? of weeks. Imagine how I felt at 5:30 this morning when I asked him for about the 8th time since last night if he had seen her in person (because he had made an odd reference last night) and this time he told me yes. Two days ago in a Borders.

But it's different this time. It means nothing. Nothing has happened. It is insignificant. It has nothing to do with me.

Except it means he broke a promise to me. It means he's been lying to me. It means he's broken my trust for the second time in the last six months. And this time I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust him again.

To me it means he made a choice when he picked up the phone and called her (yes, he called her first). He chose her over our marriage. Over me.

When he says he'll close that door and lock it. He will make an appointment for therapy. What does he need to do to fix this... I don't even know what to say. He promised me that door was closed. And then he opened it again. But it means nothing.

When has your first impression of someone turned out to be completely wrong? 
Submitted by Mana'olana.  

All the freaking time.

If a waiter stopped by right now to take your order, what cocktail or drink are you having?

Something cold. Very cold. And icy. Maybe a strawberry flavored thing or god, who knows. Just something COLD. It's fucking hot here.

because MY GOD, the business that is June is KILLING. ME.

Things are going well in my cliche life. Trying to put to use skills the counselor taught us and it seems to be working. Not that it's all a bed of roses all the time by the weirdness, fragility & anger seems to be gone. I've finally stopped feeling like I've been holding my breath. Not to say things won't ever take a turn for the worst because... hello - this is life we're talking about here. But things are good and I'm trying to enjoy them.

Now if school would just be over already. Then end of school things are never ending and the sport - it is all too much.

I think I need a nap.

It seems that as honest as I've tried to be here, I haven't quite made it. There are some important details that I try to ignore now that the crisis has passed. Details that hurt. Details that would probably make all my angst make a bit more sense. Or maybe not.

Regardless, here they are:

• The week of the 'incident', my husband was IMing, e-mailing and went out for drinks one evening with the object of his crush.
• The following week he was not wanting to end all contact. (He felt it would be fine. I felt he was killing me. Even now it makes my chest tight.)
• He emailed her after I asked him to stop. He also felt it was necessary to explain in person why he couldn't see to her anymore.
• He was upset that the one and only time he has seen her since she did not approach and/or talk to him.
• He is still sad they couldn't stay friends.

I'm sure there are more but thinking about this is killing me and I've been feeling better so I'm going to leave off for now.

Feel free to tell me I'm making too big a deal out of this and he's done nothing wrong. (It's what he keeps telling me.)

It seems to me (but I'm sure, not to the husband) my husband is looking for an out. An out of this marriage that does not have the fault - or decision - resting on his shoulders. I'm not saying it's a conscious thing. In fact, I'm sure it's not. But (always a but!) the fact is, if you look at his reactions, feelings, issues, whatever you want to call it, of the past couple of months, it points to him wanting out. And him not wanting it to be his fault. And him not wanting to have to make the decision. He's not one for making big decisions. He's more of a let it happen to him kind of guy. That way it can never be his fault if it's the wrong decision. Which, for the most part, I've learned to accept.

Here's a time-line for those following along at home*:

Day 0: Have crush on someone other than wife.
Day 7: Wife discovers something is going on and confronts husband. Says she will not go to marriage counselor until he cuts off all contact with crush.
Day 7-14: Husband refuses cutting off of contact saying it's not necessary because he's done nothing wrong. Accuses wife of not willing to work on marriage.
Day 21-27: Visiting marriage counselor. Husband says marriage will never work because in past wife has said the same (but she always worked on it anyway). Wife admits to this and says she feels if they both want it to work and they both work at it - it will.
Day 28-44: Husband feels they are polar opposites and this will never work.
Day 42: Wife starts this blog in secret.
Day 44: Marriage counselor shows him they aren't polar opposites and it is good to have varying approaches.
Day 50: Husband accuses wife of treating him like a cheat and a liar and decides he will not be treated this way.
Day 50-53: Wife is plunged into emotional wreck because he is an ass.
Day 53: Husband realizes he's been acting like an ass and apologizes.
Day 53: Wife realizes this is just the latest in a string of excuses of why this marriage will never work. And it's always her fault. It is exhausting. She has decided to ignore future outbursts and let him deal with it on his own (yeah, right).

*All dates are approximate.