It seems that as honest as I've tried to be here, I haven't quite made it. There are some important details that I try to ignore now that the crisis has passed. Details that hurt. Details that would probably make all my angst make a bit more sense. Or maybe not.
Regardless, here they are:
- The week of the 'incident', my husband was IMing, e-mailing and went out for drinks one evening with the object of his crush.
- The following week he was not wanting to end all contact. (He felt it would be fine. I felt he was killing me. Even now it makes my chest tight.)
- He emailed her after I asked him to stop. He also felt it was necessary to explain in person why he couldn't see to her anymore.
- He was upset that the one and only time he has seen her since she did not approach and/or talk to him.
- He is still sad they couldn't stay friends.
I'm sure there are more but thinking about this is killing me and I've been feeling better so I'm going to leave off for now.
Feel free to tell me I'm making too big a deal out of this and he's done nothing wrong. (It's what he keeps telling me.)
It seems to me (but I'm sure, not to the husband) my husband is looking for an out. An out of this marriage that does not have the fault - or decision - resting on his shoulders. I'm not saying it's a conscious thing. In fact, I'm sure it's not. But (always a but!) the fact is, if you look at his reactions, feelings, issues, whatever you want to call it, of the past couple of months, it points to him wanting out. And him not wanting it to be his fault. And him not wanting to have to make the decision. He's not one for making big decisions. He's more of a let it happen to him kind of guy. That way it can never be his fault if it's the wrong decision. Which, for the most part, I've learned to accept.
Here's a time-line for those following along at home*:
Day 0: Have crush on someone other than wife.
Day 7: Wife discovers something is going on and confronts husband. Says she will not go to marriage counselor until he cuts off all contact with crush.
Day 7-14: Husband refuses cutting off of contact saying it's not necessary because he's done nothing wrong. Accuses wife of not willing to work on marriage.
Day 21-27: Visiting marriage counselor. Husband says marriage will never work because in past wife has said the same (but she always worked on it anyway). Wife admits to this and says she feels if they both want it to work and they both work at it - it will.
Day 28-44: Husband feels they are polar opposites and this will never work.
Day 42: Wife starts this blog in secret.
Day 44: Marriage counselor shows him they aren't polar opposites and it is good to have varying approaches.
Day 50: Husband accuses wife of treating him like a cheat and a liar and decides he will not be treated this way.
Day 50-53: Wife is plunged into emotional wreck because he is an ass.
Day 53: Husband realizes he's been acting like an ass and apologizes.
Day 53: Wife realizes this is just the latest in a string of excuses of why this marriage will never work. And it's always her fault. It is exhausting. She has decided to ignore future outbursts and let him deal with it on his own (yeah, right).
*All dates are approximate.
It seems to me, that men in general like to gloss over the details. They like to ignore the nuances. Maybe it's just the men in my life. Maybe it's most men. I don't know.
I do know that my husband sees no value in the details. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to relate what HE thinks is important and leave out anything else. I truly believe that is why it seems my intuition is so much better. I need all the details to form an opinion. I need to know the minutia to flesh out the meaning of things. I need to discern what I feel is important and I do not appreciate being told only half the story because he doesn't feel the rest is important or pertinent.
Now I'm not saying that everytime someone speaks there should be a relating of every little detail. My God, I know people who do this and it is not a little annoying. I am saying that when there is a disageement or you're trying to understand something, the details help. When I ASK for the details - TELL ME.
What it comes down to is this: I'm sensitive about a certain area of our life. The area where my husband met his "crush". That area came up recently and even though the particular woman was not involved, a couple others were. I asked whether or not the two women had spoken and he said no. Later he said they did. I asked why he lied to me. And now I'm being accussed of calling him a liar. His defense was that it wasn't important to the conversation and he did mention they spoke. I felt it was important or I wouldn't have asked the question. Regardless, I was breifly angry and then got over it. He is still harboring anger at me for - as he says - treating him like a liar and a cheat. Which hello! Totally was not. There is nothing I can say now to make him get over this and he keeps saying that because of all the good things he's done since "the incident" I should trust him again. He will not go through the rest of his life being treated like this. It's been about 2 months. And honestly, the only reason we're still discussing it is because he has been angry about it for 3 days. THREE DAYS. Because he can't let it go.
I may have overreacted a bit. I have said I was sorry. But he can't let it go. I told him today to go back to counseling. There is nothing more I can do.
It seems that every time I think things are going to be ok something throws me back down the hole again. I hate rollercoasters and this is the worst one I've ever been on.
I honestly feel like he's still looking for an excuse to end this marriage. I wish if that's his goal, he would just do it already.
Anita brought up a good point in the comments of my last post:
I've come to the conclusion she is right. So very, very right. For the last couple of years I have been looking for that newness. I haven't looked for it in a male (Good God, I certainly don't need another male in my life!) But I have been looking at my career path - or lack there of -, my creative life, my home and just about every other area of my life. The difference is, the newness I look for starts within.
"I think this age (middle) is a tricky one. We can see that we haven't accomplished everything we want, and we can see that we won't, and we are glimpsing our own mortality. We yearn to feel. I think that makes it a time rife for seeking newness. We all need to be careful of the form in which that newness manifests itself."
I have realized, I'm not happy with how I'VE turned out. I'm certainly less than I expected to be. And there it is. Another cliche. I'm not at all the person I thought I'd be. I thought I was special and different and could do anything I put my mind to. That was how I was raised. I've learned that is not the case. I am the same. I am like many people. And even when I put my mind to something and try and try to succeed at it, it doesn't happen. Not to say that some things will never happen, but really... I'm very mediocre.
There are so many better artists. So many better writers. So many better "fill-in the blank" here. I believe there is room for many people to succeed in every field. Room for everyone. I don't think that if someone else succeeds it means I can't. What I have realized over the last 8 years or so is that even though I could succeed, I won't. Because I'm just not talented enough.
I keep thinking that if I keep working at it - it will happen. But honestly, I don't love anything quite that much. I worked at writing for a solid 6 years. And then? I'd had enough. My attention span is just not that long when there is no recognition EVER.
But now I've run out of time for this post so I shall continue at a later date. Or not.
Today was our last meeting with the marriage counselor. Yes, my husband and I have been going to a marriage counselor. The reason? Where to start? How about the catalyst? I guess that would be a better place to start.
My husband had a crush on someone. I realized something wasn't right about a week in. So yes, I caught it early. He didn't "cheat". It was an emotional affair. A really short one. That decimated me.
My God. I could write volumes on this subject and normally I wouldn't because really, who wants to read such self-involved crap? But, that would be why I started this blog. To write. To write stuff I wouldn't post on my regular blog that my husband and both my parents actually read. The one associated with my real name. Not really the kind of place you can let loose. And because of that I've pretty much stopped writing. The mundane is just not that amusing when your contemplating the end of your marriage.
I'm not sure why I waited until the crisis passed to start this. I'm not sure why I've decided to write about it now. But maybe, just maybe it's because I still have a bunch of feelings and no one wants to hear anymore about it. It's time to suck it up. Get over it already. And be thankful for what I have. And I keep thinking that maybe if I type it all out, I can let it all go. I'll be able to move past my issues once I vomit them onto the screen. It's worked in the past and I'm hoping it will work now.
So yes, the crisis has passed. But let's just say that I'm not 100% sure he won't change his mind and walk out the door one of these days. He says he's sure he won't. And I believe him. He believes he won't. I'm a better judge of people though. And I'm not all that sure he's not lying to himself. I'm trying to get to a place where I'm okay living with the fear. Accept it as a fact of life. Enjoy things now and take things as they come. But to understate the matter greatly, I'm not very good at this type of thing. I'm more of an all or nothing, right now kind of gal.
This is definitely a bad time of year to start a new blog.
Reason #1: End of/Beginning of Month: My busiest time at work.
Reason #2: Sports. Sports. And even more sports. Baseball and lacrosse are very time consuming. And no, I don't play any sports except the sport of reading. My boys play. All of them. All 4 of them.
Reason #3: The weather. It is getting nicer out - finally! - and I would rather spend a bit of time outside than in on the computer. Or maybe not. But I do HAVE to spend more time outside tending to things. Things like the children. And eventually I will have to tend to the yard. The yard that currently looks like we live in an abandoned building. I hate yard work and gardening. Someone save me!
Reason #4: Since I'm going to try to keep this blog anonymous, I can't blog at night while the family is around. It will be interesting to see if I can pull it off.
There it is. A total cliche of the Springtime blog of someone with offspring.
