12 posts from 2007

I've decided that starting a home improvement project while your marriage is in disarray is not that bad of an idea. Really. Even if in the best of times you've learned you can't work together on such projects.

In the past my husband and I have found it best if he does the prep work. ALONE. Then I come in and do finish work. If I need him for some manly task (i.e. something I don't want to do), I leave him to it and return to oh and ah and finish what I was doing.

Works for us.

Last night however, we realized we had to rip out some nasty carpet. We've been wanting to for a while (since we moved in) but have put it off until the walls, ceilings, etc were finished as to not ruin what we suspected to be underneath - real wood floor. Well, last week we were on vacation and our upstairs toilet decided to leak while we were away. The result was a flooded foyer. Very wet carpet that has refused to dry in the damp, wet weather we've been having.

- beginning of serious tangent -

Say good bye you fugly carpet. Have I mentioned it was red? I suppose it was some 60's idea of cool to put white and black wallpaper that looks like nerves on the walls and have red carpet. The wallpaper came down a couple of years ago so now we have the look of crumbling plaster and red carpet. Really helps the plaster stand out on the floors.

The carpet still resides on the stairs and upstairs hallway. There is also a patch in front of the downstairs bathroom - much to my dismay.

- end of much too long tangent -

The ripping out went surprisingly well. The scrapping of carpet mat? Also went well. The pulling of staples? Fabulous. I am seriously amazed.

We still have more scrapping and pulling of staples and washing of boards. But I think it will be okay. I think it helped that we each did our own thing and stayed out of each other's way and helped when it was asked for. I'm not sure we've ever done those things quite so well before. Guess it says a lot about our marriage that we haven't been able to do that before. But it does give me hope. That and the fact that he went to see a therapist today. But that is another story.

I suppose it's been a while since I've hung out here. The business of summer was demanding and things were going well so there wasn't much angst to get out. That and I really didn't want this to be one long whine of a blog. On the other hand, that's exactly why I started this blog. I want to keep real life whining to a minimum and thought this would help.

Now as we begin to gear back up for school my husband has been angry. Really angry at me and even he's not sure why. Every time I speak, or look at him he becomes enraged. And last night he got a text message at 12:30am from that woman I've mentioned here before. Actually, I heard the phone vibrate and he was sleeping so I checked to see what his youngest sister wanted since she is the only one I could imagine would text him that late.

Imagine my surprise when I realized it wasn't her. Imagine my surprise when I found out they'd been in touch for the last several? couple? of weeks. Imagine how I felt at 5:30 this morning when I asked him for about the 8th time since last night if he had seen her in person (because he had made an odd reference last night) and this time he told me yes. Two days ago in a Borders.

But it's different this time. It means nothing. Nothing has happened. It is insignificant. It has nothing to do with me.

Except it means he broke a promise to me. It means he's been lying to me. It means he's broken my trust for the second time in the last six months. And this time I'm not sure I'll ever be able to trust him again.

To me it means he made a choice when he picked up the phone and called her (yes, he called her first). He chose her over our marriage. Over me.

When he says he'll close that door and lock it. He will make an appointment for therapy. What does he need to do to fix this... I don't even know what to say. He promised me that door was closed. And then he opened it again. But it means nothing.

When has your first impression of someone turned out to be completely wrong? 
Submitted by Mana'olana.  

All the freaking time.

If a waiter stopped by right now to take your order, what cocktail or drink are you having?

Something cold. Very cold. And icy. Maybe a strawberry flavored thing or god, who knows. Just something COLD. It's fucking hot here.

because MY GOD, the business that is June is KILLING. ME.

Things are going well in my cliche life. Trying to put to use skills the counselor taught us and it seems to be working. Not that it's all a bed of roses all the time by the weirdness, fragility & anger seems to be gone. I've finally stopped feeling like I've been holding my breath. Not to say things won't ever take a turn for the worst because... hello - this is life we're talking about here. But things are good and I'm trying to enjoy them.

Now if school would just be over already. Then end of school things are never ending and the sport - it is all too much.

I think I need a nap.

It seems that as honest as I've tried to be here, I haven't quite made it. There are some important details that I try to ignore now that the crisis has passed. Details that hurt. Details that would probably make all my angst make a bit more sense. Or maybe not.

Regardless, here they are:

• The week of the 'incident', my husband was IMing, e-mailing and went out for drinks one evening with the object of his crush.
• The following week he was not wanting to end all contact. (He felt it would be fine. I felt he was killing me. Even now it makes my chest tight.)
• He emailed her after I asked him to stop. He also felt it was necessary to explain in person why he couldn't see to her anymore.
• He was upset that the one and only time he has seen her since she did not approach and/or talk to him.
• He is still sad they couldn't stay friends.

I'm sure there are more but thinking about this is killing me and I've been feeling better so I'm going to leave off for now.

Feel free to tell me I'm making too big a deal out of this and he's done nothing wrong. (It's what he keeps telling me.)

It seems to me (but I'm sure, not to the husband) my husband is looking for an out. An out of this marriage that does not have the fault - or decision - resting on his shoulders. I'm not saying it's a conscious thing. In fact, I'm sure it's not. But (always a but!) the fact is, if you look at his reactions, feelings, issues, whatever you want to call it, of the past couple of months, it points to him wanting out. And him not wanting it to be his fault. And him not wanting to have to make the decision. He's not one for making big decisions. He's more of a let it happen to him kind of guy. That way it can never be his fault if it's the wrong decision. Which, for the most part, I've learned to accept.

Here's a time-line for those following along at home*:

Day 0: Have crush on someone other than wife.
Day 7: Wife discovers something is going on and confronts husband. Says she will not go to marriage counselor until he cuts off all contact with crush.
Day 7-14: Husband refuses cutting off of contact saying it's not necessary because he's done nothing wrong. Accuses wife of not willing to work on marriage.
Day 21-27: Visiting marriage counselor. Husband says marriage will never work because in past wife has said the same (but she always worked on it anyway). Wife admits to this and says she feels if they both want it to work and they both work at it - it will.
Day 28-44: Husband feels they are polar opposites and this will never work.
Day 42: Wife starts this blog in secret.
Day 44: Marriage counselor shows him they aren't polar opposites and it is good to have varying approaches.
Day 50: Husband accuses wife of treating him like a cheat and a liar and decides he will not be treated this way.
Day 50-53: Wife is plunged into emotional wreck because he is an ass.
Day 53: Husband realizes he's been acting like an ass and apologizes.
Day 53: Wife realizes this is just the latest in a string of excuses of why this marriage will never work. And it's always her fault. It is exhausting. She has decided to ignore future outbursts and let him deal with it on his own (yeah, right).

*All dates are approximate.

It seems to me, that men in general like to gloss over the details. They like to ignore the nuances. Maybe it's just the men in my life. Maybe it's most men. I don't know.

I do know that my husband sees no value in the details. He thinks it's perfectly acceptable to relate what HE thinks is important and leave out anything else. I truly believe that is why it seems my intuition is so much better. I need all the details to form an opinion. I need to know the minutia to flesh out the meaning of things. I need to discern what I feel is important and I do not appreciate being told only half the story because he doesn't feel the rest is important or pertinent.

Now I'm not saying that everytime someone speaks there should be a relating of every little detail. My God, I know people who do this and it is not a little annoying. I am saying that when there is a disageement or you're trying to understand something, the details help. When I ASK for the details - TELL ME.

What it comes down to is this: I'm sensitive about a certain area of our life. The area where my husband met his "crush". That area came up recently and even though the particular woman was not involved, a couple others were. I asked whether or not the two women had spoken and he said no. Later he said they did. I asked why he lied to me. And now I'm being accussed of calling him a liar. His defense was that it wasn't important to the conversation and he did mention they spoke. I felt it was important or I wouldn't have asked the question. Regardless, I was breifly angry and then got over it. He is still harboring anger at me for - as he says - treating him like a liar and a cheat. Which hello! Totally was not. There is nothing I can say now to make him get over this and he keeps saying that because of all the good things he's done since "the incident" I should trust him again. He will not go through the rest of his life being treated like this. It's been about 2 months. And honestly, the only reason we're still discussing it is because he has been angry about it for 3 days. THREE DAYS. Because he can't let it go.

I may have overreacted a bit. I have said I was sorry. But he can't let it go. I told him today to go back to counseling. There is nothing more I can do.

It seems that every time I think things are going to be ok something throws me back down the hole again. I hate rollercoasters and this is the worst one I've ever been on.

I honestly feel like he's still looking for an excuse to end this marriage. I wish if that's his goal, he would just do it already.

Anita brought up a good point in the comments of my last post:

"I think this age (middle) is a tricky one. We can see that we haven't accomplished everything we want, and we can see that we won't, and we are glimpsing our own mortality. We yearn to feel. I think that makes it a time rife for seeking newness. We all need to be careful of the form in which that newness manifests itself."

Today was our last meeting with the marriage counselor. Yes, my husband and I have been going to a marriage counselor. The reason? Where to start? How about the catalyst? I guess that would be a better place to start.

My husband had a crush on someone. I realized something wasn't right about a week in. So yes, I caught it early. He didn't "cheat". It was an emotional affair. A really short one. That decimated me.

My God. I could write volumes on this subject and normally I wouldn't because really, who wants to read such self-involved crap? But, that would be why I started this blog. To write. To write stuff I wouldn't post on my regular blog that my husband and both my parents actually read. The one associated with my real name. Not really the kind of place you can let loose. And because of that I've pretty much stopped writing. The mundane is just not that amusing when your contemplating the end of your marriage.

I'm not sure why I waited until the crisis passed to start this. I'm not sure why I've decided to write about it now. But maybe, just maybe it's because I still have a bunch of feelings and no one wants to hear anymore about it. It's time to suck it up. Get over it already. And be thankful for what I have. And I keep thinking that maybe if I type it all out, I can let it all go. I'll be able to move past my issues once I vomit them onto the screen. It's worked in the past and I'm hoping it will work now.

So yes, the crisis has passed. But let's just say that I'm not 100% sure he won't change his mind and walk out the door one of these days. He says he's sure he won't. And I believe him. He believes he won't. I'm a better judge of people though. And I'm not all that sure he's not lying to himself. I'm trying to get to a place where I'm okay living with the fear. Accept it as a fact of life. Enjoy things now and take things as they come. But to understate the matter greatly, I'm not very good at this type of thing. I'm more of an all or nothing, right now kind of gal.